Aliens are trying to destroy our country...

Politicians are as crooked as spina bifida, and you just can't trust them. They're like friggin' aliens or something. John McCain, for example, looks like he's hungry and wants to chew on our heads or suck on our toes when he gives a speech, and he probably would if his handlers weren't supervising him. AP reported this exact same thing in their financial section, saying "Seriously, dude, turn off the volume on your TV when he gives a speech and the guy looks like he is eyeing us up for his next meal." His handlers, also known as 'bodyguards', are actually there to protect us from John's blood lust. This is the part where I should make a "Night of the Living Dead" joke, although fitting, I think it is important to maintain at least some journalistic integrity and leave it alone. It is fitting because that guy looks like he's dead - to obvious? Yeah, I thought so. Either way, turn up the brightness on your TV all the way and he nearly disappears - a fucking ghost I tell you! BTW - all of you women voting for McCain because he is so old you think he will die and leave the office to Palin are sadly misled, for McCain can never die; shoot that guy in the head and he'll grow another.

I also know...

If Obama gets elected and begins rolling back much of what Bush has 'accomplished', we will see another massive terror attack. From there, all these crazies will come out of their dorm rooms only to claim it was a conspiracy. What's disturbing is that they will be right, but again, nobody will believe them because everyone trusts our government officials. Cheney, being the poster boy for all politics world wide has an alarmingly handsome face for an elderly man leading us right to those false conclusions. What people don't know is that his handlers no longer let him appear in public, much less out of his cage, after he bit three babies on the face. And if that isn't disturbing enough, one woman who lost an ear to Cheney claimed he was screaming afterward, "Who else wants a Cheney?!!!" That's right - he calls his bites 'Cheneys'. I wish I were making this stuff up, people.

In the end, I refuse to back myself into a political corner - dividing all the economic and social complexities between two management parties seems a stupid act. Neither one of them are to be trusted - as I am sure most of you already know considering the famous "I'm voting for the lesser of two evils" line many of us employ today to express our dissatisfaction. You would think at this point we would do something about it.. but alas, no action. Apparently America loves to take it up the ass just so long as we still have our TV dinners. I, on the other hand, am going to do something about it. I will recruit an army consisting of the most physically imposing characters the United States has to offer... Black girls with platinum blond hair (BGPBs)...

That's right, I said it. Black girls with platinum blond hair - They scare the shit out of me, and I am sure I am not alone here. I find them curiously intimidating. Most people have this same problem with extreme red heads (also referred to as ginger people), or people with giant birthmarks on their face, but not me. You could have toes for eyebrows and I wouldn't even flinch. But put me next to a BGPB in line at the bank and I'll sweat. I have also been known to give up my parking spaces to them because "I don't want any trouble." Besides the fact that they are the toughest looking people on the planet, I wouldn't have to buy uniforms! That means I will have that much more money for weapons. It's flawless!

Although the above plan has its flaws, I don't see any of you coming up with anything. You know what? - let's just forget the whole damn thing. I know we are probably fucked...Someone pass me the Salisbury Steak and turn on American Idol - I hear there's this Asian kid who sings and dances real badly, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH - idiots.

WAIT!! You're all geniuses! I see your ruse now - If we all sit around and consume shit for food, and watch shit on TV, we can all successfully turn our brains into mush. That way, when McCain comes to our houses to feed on them, he'll need to use a straw, and we all know that the dead can't use straws!! Brilliantly flawless!!!

Flaws it may have, but you can just leave the rest to me. I'll just need each of you to send me 5.95 to get this thing going - I am going to solve the economic crises by moving to Mexico. Don't worry, this isn't what it sounds like - I will move to Mexico where the dollar is stronger, that way I can buy more things to keep me happy. Maybe a hotel on the beach or something.... now that's flawless.

Flawless....

You can make checks payable to the The Mayer of Blog Town. Have faith ye Americans, I will soon be a Mexican, and from there, we can straighten this whole thing out.