PETA against the elderly?

I find old people about as appealing as a tooth ache. To sum it up more clearly: Some people look at serial killers and say, "shit, I hope I never grow up to be like that!" - I'm like that with old people.

I work for PETA's new sub-sect called People for the Ethical Treatment of Meat Products. Basically they say that, even after an animal is slaughtered, it should be shown some respect, i.e. - "standing whole turkeys and/or chickens upright and making them dance around and/or sing to a jaunty tune is highly unethical". I work for these people as a private detective in a restaurant on the weekends, and my job is to have people arrested for playing with their food. There was a time that I thought I shouldn't take the job because of my families Thanksgiving tradition which consists of one half of the family dressing up as pilgrims, and the other half dressing as indians to re-enact the turkey hunt by fastening the turkey to the cat and have the indians chase it around the house throwing forks at it. Once the turkey is 'dead', the pilgrims throw forks at the indians and take the turkey. I took the PETA post because I realized that we are just acting out history, and not creating history, so that makes it different. Also, it has been a dream of mine to take advantage of the freedom this country offers by taking a position in which I can force people to do what I think is right. Try doing that in Russia.... uh..

I told you that story to tell you this one:
This couple comes in whom I know because they are semi-regulars. I know they are both in their seventies because of their eyebrows which, as I am sure any scientist will tell you, are pretty close in function to rings on a tree stump. The three of us can only communicate two ways, Pictogram, and yelling. This can be especially annoying when I'm in a bad mood because I only yell when I'm in a good mood. Add to that the fact that I am always in a bad mood, and you can see my dilemma. Up to this point in my life I prided myself on being above average intelligence, now I'm not so sure. I could still run for vice president, but besides that, I don't even have the confidence to pump gas.... I fed these two not-so-able-bodies booze! After that, I felt like I was trying to teach a pair of crack monkeys how to build a motorcycle, and I find myself really appreciating hospital attendants and grand children. As the night progresses and the two are on their fourth doubles (or were they triples?), I realize that they are probably playing host to a plethora of drugs - regularity medication, gout medication, heart worm medication, and many more with equally tantalizing titles. In all honesty, it was this next situation which made me aware of just how bad I fucked up: I find dude in the kitchen with no pants, poop smears on his shirt, talking to the chef about what a delightful time him and is wife were having, and it was around this time that I noticed dude's chick was sleeping, or perhaps dead, at the table. Everybody I work with was so mad that I could be so careless as to fuck these geriatrics up so bad that they where calling upon me to resign my waitering post. In a fit of rage, I grabbed the hostesses taser (Hostesses are famously paranoid because they hang out with people who have money) and shot the old bag in the shoulder..... saving her life. Turns out she was dead and I pulled her back from the light with 10,000 volts. Now, I'm a god damn hero! - I might have even saved her soul as I am sure she would have fallen asleep or taken a wrong turn in that tunnel.

Granted, I am a little late when it comes to knowing when enough is enough, but I usually catch on shortly after. I planted a picture of a turkey dressed in a tuxedo on her, and I called PETA to report the situation. PETA came in, blacked bagged them both, and no one has seen them since.... They are presumed dead. They never tipped very well anyway.

The race for race in the 'white' house!

That was a close call, but we did it! We finally have a half white president. We have suffered for centuries being the subject of derision, but we overcame. Most said it was impossible, the whole world over thought we where doomed to the abyss of racial subjugation, but no longer. We showed the world once and for all that not only will we elect a white guy, but we will also elect half white guys. Brothers and sisters, let us not forget that our struggle is far from won. Even now the media seeks to take away our victory by saying an "African American" won the election, but we know the truth, and the truth will prevail.

I know I personally didn't do shit.. nor did any other half white people I know, but one of us did and that is what matters. We will bask in his glory like it where our own, and walk through the next four years with an undeserved sense of satisfaction for having finally showed all the white and black elitists that we will overcome, and that you cannot destroy our will as a people. We are the future of this blah blah I am making all this shit up!

The truth is I voted for Obama's white side. I feel his white side ran a better campaign, while his black side just looked good in a suit. There it is. Am I racist...? Hell no. I mean, well, sometimes I might have a racist opinion when it comes to eating out at fancy restaurants and our fucking waitor happens to be Norwegian, but that is only because Norwegians are notorious for fucking with people's food. It's not that they're inherently bad people, just that they are born with poor self esteem and doing that kind of shit, they think, garners respect.

Anywho, Obama's white side was clearly a better choice than McCain. Through miscegenation, Obama inherited superior qualities from both races such as water proof hair and oratory skills, while McCain just represents that old boorish white guy thing which is just awful. And one final note regarding McCain: I am all for equal opportunity employment, except when it comes to employing retarded people to run the country. Palin is retarded - if McCain where to have employed her to sort thumbtacks for the white house he would have earned some more points across the board. But he didn't and he lost. Alright, seriously, one more thing about McCain: A lot of people regarded McCain's POW experience to be great for his campaign, but I saw the opposite. Anyone who undergoes torture on a regular schedule for five years is no longer fit to run for president. There are guys in Iraq right now that haven't even been shot at, much less left their tents, coming home with post traumatic stress blah blah blah, while McCain had electric ball shocking for breakfast every morning. Whatever, you do the math.

Because I am American and watch entirely too much TV I have no attention span. That means, in short, that I am already thinking about the next election. In the next election, I hope to see a half gay guy elected to office because I am already bored of this half black, half white thing. Plus, we need some more great anecdotes about our presidents private lives to be brought into the open by the friendly, and never biased media: "This president smoked pot!" Yawn! "This president got a blow job!" Yawn! "This president had a rubber fist shoved up his ass and ran all the way home!" ALRIGHT.. now where talking.