The fat girl infomercial.

I can't recall the name of this stupid little device, but it is supposed to remove up to six inches from a females waste line. Ostensibly, it is a tourniquet for your torso that squeezes the crap (Literally) out of your guts.... it may have been called the shaper... not sure. The question in my mind is, as a male, if confronted with such barbarity in the bedroom donned by a lying bitch, what do you do? While I would pull out my gun and force that fat lying whore off the premises, some of you will choose to persist in your goal for carnal pleasure because let's face it--the club is far away, you're drunk, and it was hard enough sneaking this chick into your parents house in the first place. You worked hard for the pussy, and you're not giving up - you are a trooper. Congratulations on being one of very few people in this world that can trigger my gag reflex with out sticking things down my throat (not dicks). So you made the decision to say fuck the gold, I'll take whomever was in the race. Fine. Here are some tips to get past the gut squeezing gadget:

Now unless you have one of the those nifty machines that separate tires from rims as they have in most mechanic shops, you will need a couple more beers to keep your buzz up through this amazingly difficult process. You might also want a pair of safety goggles to protect you from flack, and a lead vest to protect you from radiation exposure that I'm sure must accompany a release of energy of that magnitude. Finally you will need to download a set of instructions from the company's web site. I'm already on the FBI list, and because these instructions resemble those to disarm a nuke, I can't be bothered posting that shit here. We all know how hasty the FBI is. Plus, they're fucking gross, and I have a respectable reputation to uphold. I read up to step 38 before puking on my apple jacks (I like to challenge myself), and I can tell you that removing a tattoo with a spork would be easier.

If you have made it this far with success, you are one sick, horny dude. You are a locomotive and there is no stopping you.... but here's the thing: You have managed to get past the fact that she was the chick from the Wonka movie who got her rolly-polly-blue-berry loving ass kicked out by the oompa loompas, but there are other more disturbing things waiting to be rattled loose. You must take great care during coitus because it is a fact that when you reveal one physical lie there will be more waiting to fall off. I'm telling you, it's like an addiction for girls: they'd screw on a new head every week if they could. If you get to rough, it is likely you will pop out a glass eye, or pull off a wig which can completely ruin the mood. Of course, you are one horny dude, and I shouldn't put it past you that you like girls with glass eyes and bumpy scalps - 'to each is own' is what I say. But that's the least of what you might uncover--I heard about this guy in Houston who went through all the above mentioned hassle, screwed this chick with way too much enthusiasm bopping off her prosthetic arm to reveal a ghastly stump that was giving him the 'thumbs up'. He puked all over her back and ran off whimpering in the night. Poor guy can't even watch the Happy Days anymore.

In my opinion, it's much safer hiring a homeless guy to choke you while you masturbate. In this case, everybody wins; they need a job, and you have one for them. Now, you are one horny dude who is not endorsing the lying fat chick, who is helping the economy, and who is still getting there needs taken care of. But hey, besides being a fucking genius, who am I to tell you what to do - right?