Fast Food War

There was a point in which I posted very serious blogs about social issues alongside crude, and sometimes humorous blogs. Some might say I was trying to enlighten the masses, while simultaneously corrupt their children. And of course, they would be correct. The only problem here is that I never received any hate mail from angry mothers telling me what I good job I was doing. I thought the problem might have been that the good I was doing was cancelling out the bad, but I was wrong. Only after extensive research, which entailed clicking on the view profile button, did I find out about my meager readership.... 1.5 people a week to be precise. And to my dismay, none of them seem to be baptist, soccer mom/ housewives with a computer. After flying into a rage punching my grandma in the face I decided to drop the 'enlightenment' side of my campaign in order to focus all of my attention on corrupting your children. Let's face it, kids are stupid. They're an easy target and highly impressionable. I know, I know; your child is an honor student. Unfortunately that is no accomplishment. It fits right up there with such lofty challenges like zipping up your pants without getting your dick caught. Try doing a back flip on a pogo stick through a ring of fire with no shoes on and I'll be impressed. Nobody can do that.

Popularity is key to everything, and I can't stress that enough. McDonalds could never have hoped to open so many heart disease factories in the center of hospitals if they weren't so popular. It seems people are willing to forget the audacity of such a move just so long as they can have a big mac waiting for them after their triple bypass. It was a bold move, on par with opening a sky diving school for people with no legs, or holding AA meetings at stag parties, or holding Olympic games for the handicap! I salute McDonalds - they've managed to attain an unchecked level of power to corrupt children (and their parents) unimaginable in our time - with a fucking clown that laughs in your face as their mascot...Such confidence is intimidating to an up and comer like myself.....

With this new goal of attaining popularity in mind, I hope to generate enough influence on the web to create an army of unruly children to overthrow the patriarchal authority in order to claim power for myself.... I can see it now, an army of well trained child assassins armed with cudgels and blow darts terrorizing the city in the name of mediocre material they found on blogger.com. Ha ha ha. We will raze cities to the ground unless city officials can meet our unmeetable demands. After a city or two, McDonalds will be begging to get in on the act, feeding my army while supplying me with new generals--Ronald, that arrogant, laughing clown, and Grimace, will lead my armies on while I retire to my fortress built entirely out of first graders and bubble gum to eat big macs and play in my ball pit. Ha ha ha!!