PETA against the elderly?

I find old people about as appealing as a tooth ache. To sum it up more clearly: Some people look at serial killers and say, "shit, I hope I never grow up to be like that!" - I'm like that with old people.

I work for PETA's new sub-sect called People for the Ethical Treatment of Meat Products. Basically they say that, even after an animal is slaughtered, it should be shown some respect, i.e. - "standing whole turkeys and/or chickens upright and making them dance around and/or sing to a jaunty tune is highly unethical". I work for these people as a private detective in a restaurant on the weekends, and my job is to have people arrested for playing with their food. There was a time that I thought I shouldn't take the job because of my families Thanksgiving tradition which consists of one half of the family dressing up as pilgrims, and the other half dressing as indians to re-enact the turkey hunt by fastening the turkey to the cat and have the indians chase it around the house throwing forks at it. Once the turkey is 'dead', the pilgrims throw forks at the indians and take the turkey. I took the PETA post because I realized that we are just acting out history, and not creating history, so that makes it different. Also, it has been a dream of mine to take advantage of the freedom this country offers by taking a position in which I can force people to do what I think is right. Try doing that in Russia.... uh..

I told you that story to tell you this one:
This couple comes in whom I know because they are semi-regulars. I know they are both in their seventies because of their eyebrows which, as I am sure any scientist will tell you, are pretty close in function to rings on a tree stump. The three of us can only communicate two ways, Pictogram, and yelling. This can be especially annoying when I'm in a bad mood because I only yell when I'm in a good mood. Add to that the fact that I am always in a bad mood, and you can see my dilemma. Up to this point in my life I prided myself on being above average intelligence, now I'm not so sure. I could still run for vice president, but besides that, I don't even have the confidence to pump gas.... I fed these two not-so-able-bodies booze! After that, I felt like I was trying to teach a pair of crack monkeys how to build a motorcycle, and I find myself really appreciating hospital attendants and grand children. As the night progresses and the two are on their fourth doubles (or were they triples?), I realize that they are probably playing host to a plethora of drugs - regularity medication, gout medication, heart worm medication, and many more with equally tantalizing titles. In all honesty, it was this next situation which made me aware of just how bad I fucked up: I find dude in the kitchen with no pants, poop smears on his shirt, talking to the chef about what a delightful time him and is wife were having, and it was around this time that I noticed dude's chick was sleeping, or perhaps dead, at the table. Everybody I work with was so mad that I could be so careless as to fuck these geriatrics up so bad that they where calling upon me to resign my waitering post. In a fit of rage, I grabbed the hostesses taser (Hostesses are famously paranoid because they hang out with people who have money) and shot the old bag in the shoulder..... saving her life. Turns out she was dead and I pulled her back from the light with 10,000 volts. Now, I'm a god damn hero! - I might have even saved her soul as I am sure she would have fallen asleep or taken a wrong turn in that tunnel.

Granted, I am a little late when it comes to knowing when enough is enough, but I usually catch on shortly after. I planted a picture of a turkey dressed in a tuxedo on her, and I called PETA to report the situation. PETA came in, blacked bagged them both, and no one has seen them since.... They are presumed dead. They never tipped very well anyway.