Lucky Bastard

I am pretty damn awesome at most things; sex, drinking, football, sex, guitar, Call of Duty, and sex, and that is why the laws of compensation dictate I must be terrible at something. In my case, it is luck that I suck at. When I was a boy I was mauled by a dog named cuddles. Yup, that's the truth. Ever since then I knew there was something very odd about how things always turned out for me in the game of chance. Seriously, the dog was named cuddles and it fucking mauled me... Do you understand what I am saying here?

Small dogs with attitude are not my only problem when it comes to luck. It's a fact that coin flips, scratch-offs, pull tabs, number draws, and the right-place-right-time phenomenon, all snub me. After loosing $700 dollars in a last attempt experiment with scratch-offs, I decided to consult some witch doctors on the subject... but I couldn't find any, so I went with religious fanatics. I first met with this old Pakistani guy first. He said that I was cursed by Allah for being an infidel and that is why I have zero luck. "The only way you can appease Allah is to spit on an old Jew woman's shoe". Oh - so anti-semitism is lucky now? "Yes", he said. Well... who am I to argue? I decided to find a bat mitzvah.

They stopped me at the door because, "there's something funny about this one"... So I turned around walked back out down to the grocery store; I needed a disguise. Using a shower curtain and a pair of scissors, I cut out a small circular disc about 5 inches in diameter. For you laymen out there, in Jewishishnism, it's called a yamaha... it goes on your head. For further effect I bought a box of matza balls and rubbed it's fragrance all over me. I also took the liberty of learning some popular Jewish phrases like, "Do you believe the heat out today", and "What are you kidding? I can't eat this!" Once I was in the party it was smooth sailing. To avoid detection, I simply complained a lot about anything: The floor is too slippery, the hats are too tight, the cake is too sugary, etc.

I walked up to the first old Jewish woman I seen and hocked a loogy onto her shoe. Trouble. The music stopped and everyone glared at me. The bright side is that every time I find myself in this situation that song Renegade by Styx comes on in my head * The jig is up, the news is out, they finally found me. You renegade, you had it made, the da da bla da da! * The bad news is that I was about to be murdered by a mob of religious nuts with funny hats. In a fit of panic I yelled, MOZEL TOV!! Which I think means, 'just kidding, everyone, I just needed some attention cause I was feeling lonely - let's get this party started! Next thing you know I was being carried around on a crappy folding chair (fact: most injuries among Jews are caused by folding chairs, slippery floors, and muslims), singing songs about Jewish teenage angst. You know you are listening to music of Jewish teenage angst if they yell chutzpah a lot. It's usually found in place of the more commonly used word, fuck.

Shortly after the bat mitzvah, I bought a scratch-off and won forty bucks.... and then I was accosted by a dog named Yappy Doodle the third... Not quite sure what to make of that.