Wishes do Come True

I got into a fight with my girl the other day, and I was thinking how much nicer it would be to, instead of run through the entire disagreement process only to end up at my perfunctory capitulation in order to avoid three days of misery because I didn't do the dishes, bash her in the head with a log and then go to sleep. However, laws state that men can no longer enforce their will like they use to because - I don't know - it's too easy and is less time consuming, not to mention more peaceful in the long term, and that's apparently a bad thing. I was thinking this while she was yelling at me, and then she hit me... and then it hit me: Gorillas don't have to take shit from chicks! That can be my happy place while she yells about crusty eggs and how "they don't clean themselves." No shit?!? Of course they don't clean them-fucking-selves, nature will take care of it! Or you will, which ever comes first.

So now when she yells about me leaving my underwear in between the couch cushions, I just transport myself to that magical place where I am a giant gorilla, with a cigar...and a hat. I jump around, as king, in my magical forest. This fantasy has been going on for quite a while and has developed into something quite ridiculous by most peoples standards. Good thing most people are really fucking stupid.

So there's this one night in particular in which I was gazing up at at the stars, getting way too serious, wishing I really was a gorilla. I mean really wishing, like the kind of wishing little girls do in their bedroom windows in movies after witnessing a shooting star or some shit. When I realize how ridiculous I must look wishing on a star in the window at the local Red Lobster restaurant, I sat back down and wished some more - but this time I did it like an adult; with my head down in a low whisper.

Magic happened that night, because I woke up the next day and... oh shit- I giant black mutant hair growing out of my shoulder. Magic happened that night, and magic is fucking gay. I checked with the local authorities, and a single black hair on ones back is NOT enough to qualify you as a gorilla. Six evenly spaced black hairs is the minimum to blur the line between human and primate, thereby, giving me the right - no - duty, to punish my girlfriend with tree limbs.

Wishing just isn't what it use to be. The entire market has been turned into a third rate discount store where everything looks great because it's super cheap, but when you get home you realize just how cheap it is when you plug it in and get zapped. I was zapped with a freak hair! What the fuck am I supposed to be doing with this thing: It's god damn useless! Since it's freakishly obvious the magic of wishing has been stretched to the point of breakage, I am proposing we end all children's birthday parties. Kids make dumbass wishes anyway. "I wish my parents would get back together" - wah wah wah! What a waste. That's like saying, "Please fix the errors of my ways!" Everyone knows the kid deserves to live with the snoring, farting, perpetual nightgown wearing granny because it's always their fault the parents hate each other in the first place. Why do they think they deserve my wishes to get a second chance?

Fine, I understand that's a lot to do away with. Here is another suggestion: STOP HAVING KIDS! That'll fix a lot more than just the defunct wishing system, and just think of all the ferries and trolls that would get a day off. Think about it; until they're unionized, or get some breaks, all our wishes will be filtered through a pile of ferry dung rendering it unrecognizable and/or regrettable. Kids just aren't worth all the trouble anymore. It's time for us, the adults, to have fun for a while. It's time for us to finally make the decision to choose life over children.

Parents wish I was illiterate.