The cutest dog.... but there's a catch

She is my daughter. She's smarter than your daughter (and probably better looking). She is a boxer - a gorgeous boxer. Kali is her name and this bitch could be a show dog. The only thing is she has a big problem with farting. She farts all the time at inopportune times; during movies, vigils, funerals, weddings, and when her ass is right in your face. I use to think it was hilarious until she farted at a funeral for my Uncle Fred and I busted out laughing during the Eulogy – I couldn’t frick’n help it. Now my family doesn’t talk to me. I’m starting to think this bitch does it on purpose. And the smell-oh god- the smell can bring a man at a sausage factory to tears. She has also been known to engage in such crude tricks like the Dutch oven, yet I can’t always get her to sit. I bet her whole family is like that. Kali can also hit a large range of notes. I checked on a pitch pipe and she adheres closely to the key of B flat being just a bit sharp on the F. I have yet to find that useful. One time at the pet store a bunch of old ladies and children ran over to us (she’s that cute) and all wanted to pet her and shower her with high pitch nonsensical baby talk when Kali, whether she meant to or not, let out a BURRRFFFFPPPPTTTTTSSSSSS! That’s when I learned that dogs can actually smile when they want to.

How would one utilize a farting dog? There are rescue dogs, police dogs, and fire dogs. But a farting dog..... Where does it tie in? Comedy? Perhaps I can harness this energy some how - maybe a small stove? Although it’s not very appetizing eating eggs powered by ass gas.... Maybe a small vehicle would be best... At any rate, we won't being winning any AKC awards unless they open a new category.