Penis Subterfuge

If you're like most Americans, at one or two points in your life you have had the displeasure of friends drawing huge penises on your face. You were way too drunk, and you were taken advantage of. If your friends had any respect they would draw a large squirting penis on your head with lipstick, or water soluble markers. If you had friends like me, you probably had to walk around with a dick on your face for a week because the fuckers used permanent marker or spray paint.

The idea to write a blog concerning facial phalluses came to me this morning when I awoke to find myself with a boner so huge it was hurting and decided it would be a good idea to wake my girlfriend... by measuring her face with it. All guys know their exact measurements, don't let them fool you. If asked the size, no man will leave off that .1 at the end no matter how big they are. The fucking thing could be a carpentry tool if we were not so afraid to spark an erection in front of a bunch of dudes or get our shit damaged. Until the day they make tiny hard hats and the world grows gay with itself we won't be seeing much penis carpentry, and that's fine by me. Anyway, seeing that giant penis on her face made me want to try and help all those youngsters coming of age.... only to find a dick on their face.

Removal: Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do that I know of that will erase your friends' wishful artwork, but there is a way to live more peacefully with it. When you wake up in the morning to find the one eyed monster nesting on your head, don't get angry, because this is an excellent time to practice some artwork of your own. Simply ask your friends politely for the weapon they used so the color matches, and turn that dick into a fucking submarine. If you can't draw worth shit, draw a fish on your cheek for reference. For further affect, on your chin you can write, 'WWII REMEMBERED', that way, people will think you just came from some sort of rally and your are conscious of your country's illustrious history. In the unlikely event you have balls on your face as well, you can, if you are a good enough artist, turn it into a snork. It's a bit far fetched, but balls are complicated.

The only other thing you can do is wear that thing with pride. Look people straight in the eye and say, "yeah, there's a dick on my face, and I yet... I am secure with myself". Confidence is key. I once drew a penis on my face for a job interview just so I can say that. The interviewer was impressed, to say the least. Oh yeah - I got the job.